I never really came close to understanding what love meant and even now I still claimed that I love him but here I was; clothes scattered across the room, hands caressing my sweaty body and me grasping for breath as I did it again. I had lost count of times and so I didn’t even bother giving this time a number. Love to me was just a word. Was it a noun or even a verb? I didn’t bother to check as the figure of speech made no difference if the word didn’t align with my actions.
‘I love you too.’ I ended the call for the night. We were supposed to have prayers that night over the phone but I gave an excuse. ‘I’m sorry dear. I am on my period. I don’t feel too well. Can we have prayers some other time?’, I had lied. ‘But your flow isn’t supposed to come till like in 3days. Anyways. No problem. Try to rest and take something warm. I love you.’ He had said.
My mind flashed back to when we had our first real conversation. He had been wearing a military uniform and I walked up to him and said, ‘Hey Ayanfe. What do you think about being my bodyguard?’. I wasn’t really expecting an answer because we were just friends who didn’t go past the normal greetings of Hellos and Goodbyes. His replied cracked me up though. He told me I’d have to pay. I told him if it was money, then I’d look for some other bodyguard. And he said, ‘Be my wife and I’d be your bodyguard forever’. I laughed. ‘Such nice pick up lines’,I had thought and I wondered what American action movie he had gotten that from. Anyways. Fast forward to later, we exchanged numbers, got really talking and he didn’t hesitate to make his intentions known. I had never believed in stalking till the day he told me he had secretly been watching me for 5 months. Five whole months and I could count the number of times I noticed him on one hand.
A week had passed and I knew I couldn’t keep postponing our usual prayers over the phone and I just made up my mind to do it. First minutes of thanking God and ascribing all glory to Him and my mind was else where. My mind travelled from North to South to East to West and back to North. I wondered if there was any need to continue praying and deceiving myself after what I’d done last week. ‘What if he even finds out again?’ I thought. This wouldn’t be the first time. Three times was enough to break the camel’s back. Wasn’t it better I broke things off once and for all? I had done enough and he had tried. It wouldn’t be his fault. It’d be mine. My mind caught him saying some prayers and I quickly replied Amen to them. He asked me to raise a prayer point but I couldn’t. My mind was racing and then I spilled it out,
‘Ayanfemi. I did it again.’. I closed my eyes over the phone and waited for it. I waited for him to flare up. To say he was done with me. To tell me to leave him and never call his line again. I was waiting for him to ask me to delete his number and go to hell. I deserved it. Yes I sure did. And I got what I really deserved from him. Just kidding. I got something else.
‘I know.’ He calmly said. And that was all.
Then I was angry. I cut off the phone and cuddled up myself in bed. What kind of guy was he? Why wasn’t he angry? It only meant one thing. He didn’t love me enough. He didn’t cherish me. I picked up my phone and typed.
“Ermmm. I’m sorry about everything but I don’t think we can continue. You don’t love me enough. I know I have done some certain things but you didn’t even react the way I expected but still I’m sorry. Let’s just forget things and move on”
I sent the text message to my darling Ayanfe and then I cried. I cried so hard into my pillow that my eyes were popping red. A message entered my phone,I read it and then cried the more.
I was speechless and I still am speechless.
Excerpts from true life events.
-Comfort Omolola for CLH.